Life or Death
As many of you may know, I have suffered from Crohn’s disease, which is a digestive autoimmune disease, for the past 7 years. I have lived these past 7 years on edge constantly wondering if I would flare. What is a “flare?” A flare is when my body goes into attack mode on itself, in my case in particular, the gut. My flares are generally triggered by a stressful event. When I would begin to see blood stool in my stool, I knew I was in trouble. I would call in the troops and begin to fight back with every single holistic modality I knew.
Some of my protocols included O-Zone therapy, fasting, fecal transplants, seeing naturopaths, holistic doctors, dietary restrictions, swimming in the ocean on 20 degree days. I started to see blood in my stool in late May. The feeling of doom that washes over me when i see that is literally one of the most heart wrenching feelings that I have ever experienced. “But, NO! This can’t happen again. I’m a mom and a wife, I want to enjoy my life! This cannot be happening…” I would try and control my mind not to go there. I would live in fear of telling my loved one’s because I didn’t want THEM to go there.
The trigger for me this time was the state of affairs of what is happening in the world. My desire to get out and go off grid with my family, live a rural, quiet lifestyle nestled in the woods somewhere in New Hampshire became so strong that I became angry that we didn’t already have that. I thought for so long I was smooth sailing with Corona. “I got this thing, my family is protected.” As time went on, and I saw everyone being submissive, wearing masks, not questioning any of it, I really started to become effected and my body went into stress/flare mode.
I started seeing blood in my stool in late May. I confided in some of my swimming buddies and tried to make myself believe it wasn’t happening. “This was never supposed to happen to me again!” Accepting it, I have found has been one of the hardest things to do. I try and make myself believe it’s not happening, so maybe it will just go away…
But, it didn’t. I continued to decline through June, and even more so through July. Ronnie was literally running the household. Taking care of our daughter, Sage, cooking, cleaning, laundry, dog, cat, garden, and so on…I would wake up in my shell of a body, go to the couch, eat some bone broth and rice, have diarrhea 25 times a day, go back to bed, barely sleep, repeat the next day, but continuing on a rapid decline. I was always hesitant to go to the doctors because I didn’t like the drugs they wanted to give me.
Until one morning, I woke up and the pain was so debilitating that I just knew something was wrong. We called an ambulance. My pulse was raging at over 140. I was immediately put on fluids. My body had enough.
Upon arriving to the E.R., I got all my routine blood work, x-rays, cat scans. The doctor came in to give me the news that my colon had major perforations, and was so sick that I had to get emergency surgery to get it removed. I had no choice.
I was whisked away to another hospital, immediately met with my team of surgeons (who happen to be Angels) and was in surgery within 1 hour. I woke up with my colon taken out, about 7 tubes coming out of all sorts of areas of my body and on a ventilator. Waking up on a ventilator was one of the hardest parts. My dad had died on a vent when I was 21, so I begged and pleaded for them to take it out. Thank GOD they agreed that I was fine breathing on my own and they took it out.
Post op has been a VERY interesting experience to say the least. I have gone through such a range of emotions. First I grieved. I now have to live with a bag on my body that I will poop into and have to clean every time. I will have to try to disguise it under bathing suits. But, guess what, I’M ALIVE! Not only am I alive, but I will never, ever flare again! I will never have that dark cloud looming over me of “what if!?” I no longer have to worry about food restrictions again. I can eat pizza sometimes! I am currently on a liquid diet, but I joke that when I can eat, my mom is coming to the hospital and we are going to have a turkey sandwich party with a big bag of potato chips.
I have had tremendous outpouring of love. I have bonded incredibly with my mom and my brother and had friends show up for me in ways I never could imagine. I have a dear friend and wonderful resource, Elaine O’Rourke who has had an ostomy for 15 years who is ready to help me navigate my new life (shoutout- www.elaineorourke.com). I have friends who have showed up for me in ways that i could never imagine. My husband and daughter get to forever have a healthy mother and wife! Even more than that turkey sandwich, I want to get home to be with them…the one’s I love the most. I can now show up and be there for their lives and mine. Life is such a precious gift and I am grateful for the new life that has been breathed into me. I AM THANKFUL TO BE ALIVE!
