What SOBRIETY Means to Me

This past August, Ronnie and I celebrated our 10th year free and clean of drugs and alcohol. Being Sober is one of the greatest gifts I have ever given myself, and my partner on our illuminated path. When I think back to the beginning of this journey, I am in awe of what it took to get to this point. It has been a process of many high and many lows. It has unveiled to me the true essence of my being. It has allowed me to live in my truth, no matter how difficult that may be at times.

I remember the first taste of alcohol I ever had. I can remember feeling that if I drank, maybe i would “fit in” a little bit easier in this world. I can also remember the first time I drank with the intent to numb and escape. I was 19, at a house party with a bottle of raspberry vodka (gag). I remember chugging said raspberry vodka straight from the bottle until every last drop was gone, whilst cranking down at least 1 pack of Camels. My father’s health was declining, and I knew the end of his life was nearing. I was sad, I felt alone, and the bottle offered me the just the right amount of body and mind numbing I thought I needed. I often times think of that girl and I send her so much love. I wrap her up in a warm embrace, and tell her that she is loved and everything is going to be OK.

I embarked upon a very toxic relationship around that point. I fell in love with another alcoholic. An older, cooler, more sophisticated alcoholic. When I saw how he double fisted his Bass in one hand and Southern Comfort in the other, I was sold! He was into the white powder, and I told him quote “I would never put anything up my nose!” Well, never say never! He would go out and party without me so that he could partake in this behavior. I figured, if you can’t beat them, join them!

The relationship was a form of addiction on in it’s own rite. I knew i could not be with this person if I wanted to live a happy life. He was physically, emotionally and mentally abusive. So I would leave, and then get lured back in more times than I would like to admit. By the Grace of GOD, I found YOGA 5 and a half years into the relationship. Within one week of going to my first Yoga class there was a life altering incident that included physical abuse. Yoga gave me the strength to leave for good and to never look back. This old partner finally decided to end his life a little over 6 years ago, something I always knew in my heart he would do. I pray that his soul is finally at peace and free from its demons. It makes me ever grateful that I was able to walk away and no longer partake in the pain and devastation that I endured throughout that time.

Up until the point of my first Yoga class, I have not ever heard anyone say things like, “You have the power and strength to be and do anything you put your mind to.” Not only were the physical Asana’s transformative for my spiritual body, but the messages I kept hearing these teachers put into my conscious reality just felt like home. Whenever I had heard the word Yoga, I felt so connected to it in my heart., but I didn’t know why, until at the age of 24 I finally stepped on my mat for the very first time. For the first time since I was a child, I began to tap into the essence of who I really am and the gifts I have to give to this world. I started to understand the concept that I am a spiritual being who has the infinite capabilities to grow and expand further than I ever dreamed was possible.

I kept up with my alcoholic behavior while adding Yoga to the list of addictions. Within a year’s time, I met my soul-mate….another alcoholic. But this one was different. This one had potential. He was unlike anyone I had ever met before. He encouraged me to be the best version of myself I could be. A little over a year into our relationship, we realized that neither of us were going to be able to soar independently or together in this lifetime with alcohol in out lives. So, we took a “break.” One day turned to two days, and then a week, and then a month, 6 months, a year….

We got engaged, but we were still using pharmaceutical drugs as an escape. I was prescribed adderrol (legal crystal meth really,) adivan, and wellbutrin. I was on Birth control for 10 years. Once we let go of drugs and alcohol, all of the other toxic behaviors and substances began to fade as well. It was a process for sure. We both went through our own health challenges that led us down the path of Holistic Health and healing the body, mind and spirit naturally with GOD given resources and modalities.

Even though I no longer allow alcohol into my life and my beautiful, amazing vehicle for my spirit which is my human body, I will always be an alcoholic. One does not need to drink to be an alcoholic. There have been other things that I have struggled with such as phone/technology, and cannabis use. I have used the amazing plant Cannabis to help my body and mind to heal, but must always remain mindful of how far I take it, and trying to stay in balance with that relationship is part of my ongoing work, which I am happy to say is going really great right now. The phone and technology also has many amazing benefits and uses, but can be a real struggle for myself and a lot of folks.

I have dabbled with the beautiful work that the 12 step program offers. It has given me regular prayer and a very strong relationship with GOD. I pray every morning before my feet hit the ground with the Serenity prayer and I thank GOD for all the joy and blessings that come into my life each and everyday. I am always grateful for how much more vibrant and beautiful the world is now that I am no longer numb. Every spring, when the trees start to bloom, and the colors of nature start to pop, I am reminded of that first year I became sober. I hadn’t seen those colors since I can’t remember when. I am so grateful that I get to enjoy every day and every moment FULLY. I am so grateful to be in a supportive relationship with an amazing partner and our beautiful, healthy and vibrant little girl. I am eternally grateful for my Yoga practice for getting me sober, and keeping me there. I am thankful that I can sing, dance, play and be truly happy without being under any chemical influences. I am thankful for finding the Wim Hof Method and all of the incredible physical, emotional and spiritual benefits it is giving me. I am thankful for YOU.

SOBRIETY for me means giving myself a chance to be truly HAPPY, HEALTHY and FREE and the best version of Sara I can possibly be. Namaste!